Friday, May 22, 2009

Trying to comprehend

My parents left this morning to head back to AR. They were here for a week and our visit was so nice..for the most part. Sophia's birthday party was fabulous. She loved every minute of it. My parents were a great help in getting everything prepared for her big day.

Once the party was over we spent our days going for walks and just visiting. It was so nice having them here. On Tuesday my dad turned 60 and we had a little birthday celebration for him. It's the first time in 9 years that I've got to be with him on his birthday so it was really special for me. I adore my parents. I believe they hung the moon.

On Wednesday morning at 5 am we got the news that my nephew had committed suicide. The last two days of their visit we just sat in disbelief trying to comprehend what happened and why he didn't reach out to them like he had during all previous troubled times in his life.

I hurt so much this morning when we took them to the airport. Knowing what they have to go through when they get home and the fact that they have to bury their 21 year old grandson. No words can begin to express. I hate that I cannot be there to help them through the next few days. Yet at the same time I'm so thankful they were here with us when we were given the news. I want so badly to protect them during this time and I know I can't. I just pray that God gives them peace and strength and helps them begin to heal from this.

My nephew, from the day he was born, lived in constant turmoil. He could never find his purpose in life. He was lost and I am so sad that I failed him. I became his aunt when I was 9 years old. I had no idea how to take on that role at that age and now I regret so much that I wasn't there for him. The only peace I can find in this situation is knowing that he's finally at peace. I loved him so much and I don't think he knew.

In his memory, Jeff, Sophia and I will be planting a tree at my parents church. I want him to be remembered for his beautiful smile, his warm embrace and his desire to try and do the best he could.

Once again, a life taken way too young. From this I will make amends with ones I've lost touch with and I will live my life to the fullest in his memory.

It will take years, maybe even a lifetime to begin to comprehend what has happened.

I love you so much, Jonathan. You were a light in our family when we were going through the darkest time of losing your daddy. Rest in peace my sweet angel.


Jenny said...

I hate this! Suicide is such a tragic, confusing way to lose someone. I'm sure you've read my blog about our pastor losing his 20 yr old son last week to suicide. They're still just numb. How do you ever really understand? I hate it!
Praying for you!

Autumn said...

I read about your pastors son but didn't know it was suicide. I can only imagine what they are going through.

I don't think you can ever understand, there are so many "what if's?". My mom is taking it hardest of all. She thinks if she'd done differently with some things he might have not done this..

We learned on Wednesday that he had actually tried a couple of times before but was unsuccessful. What hurts the most is we knew he was depressed and he needed professional help but none of us worked hard enough to get it for him. We all have so many regrets. My parents tried so hard to help him so many times and the rest of our family had given up on him. I hate that I didn't try to do more for him.

I just pray and beg God that he's in heaven.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry for your family's tragic loss. Praying for you during this difficult time.

Abbie said...

I'm so sorry, Autumn. I'm thinking of you and your family during this tragic time.