Trying to comprehend

My parents left this morning to head back to AR. They were here for a week and our visit was so nice..for the most part. Sophia's birthday party was fabulous. She loved every minute of it. My parents were a great help in getting everything prepared for her big day.

Once the party was over we spent our days going for walks and just visiting. It was so nice having them here. On Tuesday my dad turned 60 and we had a little birthday celebration for him. It's the first time in 9 years that I've got to be with him on his birthday so it was really special for me. I adore my parents. I believe they hung the moon.

On Wednesday morning at 5 am we got the news that my nephew had committed suicide. The last two days of their visit we just sat in disbelief trying to comprehend what happened and why he didn't reach out to them like he had during all previous troubled times in his life.

I hurt so much this morning when we took them to the airport. Knowing what they have to go through when they get home and the fact that they have to bury their 21 year old grandson. No words can begin to express. I hate that I cannot be there to help them through the next few days. Yet at the same time I'm so thankful they were here with us when we were given the news. I want so badly to protect them during this time and I know I can't. I just pray that God gives them peace and strength and helps them begin to heal from this.

My nephew, from the day he was born, lived in constant turmoil. He could never find his purpose in life. He was lost and I am so sad that I failed him. I became his aunt when I was 9 years old. I had no idea how to take on that role at that age and now I regret so much that I wasn't there for him. The only peace I can find in this situation is knowing that he's finally at peace. I loved him so much and I don't think he knew.

In his memory, Jeff, Sophia and I will be planting a tree at my parents church. I want him to be remembered for his beautiful smile, his warm embrace and his desire to try and do the best he could.

Once again, a life taken way too young. From this I will make amends with ones I've lost touch with and I will live my life to the fullest in his memory.

It will take years, maybe even a lifetime to begin to comprehend what has happened.

I love you so much, Jonathan. You were a light in our family when we were going through the darkest time of losing your daddy. Rest in peace my sweet angel.

In the gutter

A few weeks ago I wrote about how things were getting tough for Jeff at his company (he owns it with his business partner). They had to lay all of their employees off. I know this felt like such a huge failure for the guys. They've worked so hard since 2003 to make this company what it is and now it's like going back to square 1. Jeff has been quiet lately and I know that the weight of the world is on his shoulders. Sales are not happening and things are not looking good. I don't know what this means for us. To say I am scared is quite the understatement. Jeff has an amazing way with business and I know that whatever happens we will come out on top again but for now I'm so afraid. I feel helpless in helping my own family.

Tonight my parents arrive and will be visiting for a week. I wish I could feel excited about that but for now I'm so worried about my husband and what he's going through. I know that there are people out there in much worse positions than we are. I am thankful that for now we can still put food on our table and clothes on our back. I'll just keep praying that we can weather this storm.

In 2001 just a few short months after we got married, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I thought it was the end. However, he fought it and he won. In 2002, we nearly had to declare bankruptcy. We battled through it. We pulled out the whiteboard and wrote down the expenses we could cut out and the accounts we could get rid of to lower our debt. We got through it together.

We were told we could most likely never have children because of the cancer, but we got through that too and we now have a beautiful daughter. We proved the doctors wrong (with God's help, of course!). 2009 we are weathering the storms of this recession and somehow, someway we are going to get through this together. I just have to keep reminding myself of this.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Sophia!

You have brought so much joy to our lives. You are the sweetest and most precious little girl and I feel so blessed to be your Mama. You have changed our lives for the better and I can't remember now what life was like before you arrived.

I hope you have a wonderful day my sweet girl!

How could I forget?!

Good gracious I can't believe I forgot to mention this in previous posts! Sophia took her first steps nearly 2 weeks ago! She didn't have a clue that she was doing something spectacular, she just did it then fell smack on her bum. Everyday since then she only takes a few steps..no serious walking yet but that's ok. Sophia is quite a ham these days..she'll do a bunch of babbling and then start laughing hysterically. It is SO cute! I'm loving being at home with her..I hope it doesn't have to end anytime soon.

Finally!

My little Sophia isn't much of a girly girl. Instead, she's like me when I was little..a monkey! She loves to climb on everything and destroy stacks of blocks and chew her books. She really hates when I try to put a bow or barrette in her hair..it usually only stays there for about 2 minutes and then it's been pulled out. So imagine how excited I was when I realized I could finally give my girl pigtails! Of course it didn't last very long and I wasn't able to get a photo of both pigtails but you can see one in this photo.

Where's the year going?

How on this earth is it May already? Where is the year going? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Spring and Summer...LOVE them but with time going by so fast Winter is going to be here before I know it and that means my baby girl is going to be that much closer to 2. Look at that, she's not even 1 yet and I'm already talking about her being 2...Oh dear!

Not much new to report. We're going through a bit of sleep regression...instead of 11 glorious hours of nighttime sleep, we now only get 10 which means Soph is up around 5 or 5:30. Believe me I've tried moving bedtime later but if she's been up for over 5 hours already by the time 7 pm rolls around, it's best to get her down quickly before she turns into something that resembles an Ogre.

Jeff had to lay off all of his employees. He hung on as long as possible with this economy but it was time...it was tough but I have faith that the company will recover down the road.

Oops, there's a sweet girl waking from her nap! Happy Cinco de Mayo!!